// My heart feels heavy//
Despite a ridiculously tiring M practice, I find my mind still at work. I don’t know if its the lack of energy or this different state that I’m in, but I just know that I feel… Sad.
No, I don’t want to talk about it. No, I don’t need you to console me. The thing is, if I had something to talk about or get off my chest, I would. The problem is that I don’t know whats wrong. It’s pretty scary to admit to myself, because I know that I usually try to just pinpoint the problem. Not knowing what’s making you so goddamn depressed is…. is…. I dunno. Insert adjective here.
I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m so sick of saying those three words, but it’s the God honest truth. It scares me to think that my own issues, whatever they may be, tend to affect things around me. School, family, relationships…
Of course each given aspect of my life affects me in a given way, but this feeling? This anger, this guilt, this sadness, this frustration, this every-single-negative-emotion-you-can-think-of is other worldy. Not to say that I’m never happy or that I can’t enjoy myself, but this shit just always finds its way back to me.
I feel like that’s why I need to be constantly entertained. I need my mind to be busy otherwise I’m gonna fall back into it again. Into what? I don’t know. I wish I didn’t have to think. I wish I could just shut myself down and live in a moment of peace. I guess that’s why I sleep so much.
And to all of you…. Let me just apologize.
For those times you hit me up and I don’t respond: It’s not that I do it to ignore you. I have these battles within myself, where I want to be alone for pure fact that I am so used to it, but at the same time I can’t stand to be lonely. I found that I became worse and worse at picking up phone calls, responding to texts… I don’t know what happened. I know it’s disrespectful and it sucks to be ignored…. I guess all I can say is that I’m sorry
Another rant. I guess. Welcome to a fraction of my brain. It’s not fun in here. I suggest you leave.
